Infidelity 101 — Helpful advice to women on “cheating” and avoiding getting caught

[This entry was initially posted to the original Red Keyhole blog on 20 March 2011.]

Breaching the Infidelity taboo (often called “cheating” or “having an affair”) by women is a rapidly growing form of alternative sexual behavior and one of the most common violations of the traditional strictures of capitalist family structure, which attempt to mandate monogamous loyalty between husband and wife (or, more loosely, boyfriend and girlfriend).

In a December 2010 posting, Tips for “cheating” wives: How to “cheat responsibly” this blog addressed this issue with the following observations:

One aspect of the very rapidly changing sexuality environment of modern society – challenging the traditional bounds of capitalist morality – is the increasingly more widespread willingness of many women to seek sexual relationships outside their marriage or other traditionally “committed” relationships with a male partner. In the prevalent capitalist morality system, when this is done surreptitiously, it is pilloried as “infidelity”, “betrayal”, “cheating” – but it probably reflects more deep-seated sexual needs, particularly on the part of many women. In effect, under the morality rules of capitalism, these women are “cuckolding” their husbands (or boyfriends, etc.) without their knowledge.

Much of what is driving these rapid changes in sexual behavior and lifestyle – implicitly challenging the structure, norms, and expectations embodied in capitalism’s traditional monogamous family unit – is the dynamics of more assertive female sexuality and sexual needs.

These issues are in play in these excerpts from a question and response posted to the All Experts online sexual behavior discussion forum in April 2010.

A woman asks advice about how to launch an extramarital affair with a willing male partner, also married. The advice from the responding “expert”, Elise, appears competent, and may be helpful to others in similar circumstances.

Illustrating some of the psychological and emotional dynamics of “cheating” behavior, these excerpts are posted here for educational purposes. The original posting have been corrected for orthography and word use, and slightly edited for readability.

Wanting to cheat – desperate for discretion

Question

I want to cheat on my husband with a man (let’s call him Barry) I have known for over a year. Barry and I have just recently let it be known to each other of our mutual attraction and desires; we have been fantasizing over each other for at least 6 months, but have just found out about each other’s fantasies this last week.

Both of us are married. Both of our jobs make it to where a LOT of people would recognize our faces and vehicles.

We are absolutely committed to getting together and sharing of each other what we can. We are both in crappy marriages, but ball-and-chained into them nonetheless. We are so desperate for each other’s company that the thought of meeting in the middle of a several-hundred-acre cow pasture on a blanket even sounds attractive.

Please give me some advice on how to take precautions that neither one of us are caught or found out.

Answer

Expert: Elise

The psychological game is much more important than maintaining identity. (Of course, maintaining your identity is very crucial, so you can see the psychological game is that much more so.)

You need an alibi for several reasons.

• You need an excuse to show why you feel so refreshed and excited when you come home.

• You need a concrete schedule so that it’s not suspicious when you go.

• Finally, when you are caught, it gives the Mr. something to hate instead of you. He won’t question everything you’ve ever done so much as hate that you joined a bowling team and perhaps dislike anyone who he thought was on the team.
(Other things could be a free membership to a gym, or a book club.)

Start your groundwork first, so that when you begin, it’s a smooth transition. It’s good to remember [that] anything you can explain in advance is one less thing to look suspicious.

I personally recommend the gym membership. You’re sweating, it makes sense if you take a shower. You can’t really answer the phone working out. Plus people feel great after a workout.

The only glitch is, if he calls the gym you talk about, and no one’s heard of you. You might even buy a membership so your name’s at least on the rolls. Make it clear that your file is private, so they don’t blurt out “Well, she’s never actually worked out” over the phone.

Then follow through with that – get a gym bag, a cute workout outfit, keep your personal shower stuff in there. (I recommend a shower after … [otherwise] you will smell like him and your husband will know)

When you come home every now and again, have an anecdote like “This woman had the worst camel toe” or something, so you and him can share a moment about it. The more you believe you are at the gym and not cheating, the more he will.

As far as privacy and locations … Is hotels an option? There may be one near a supermarket or [one] with a more communal parking lot. Park far apart, walk in at different times, and change the location if you have multiple options.

Never underestimate small towns outside of yours, too. If money isn’t a huge factor, you might even rent a very small efficiency apartment somewhere. They can run very cheap if you find the right one.


As women become more sexually liberated and independent, they are increasingly breaching the Infidelity taboo and secretly enjoying sex with other partners outside their “committed” relationships. To ensure discretion, renting a special apartment for sexual encounters may be an option.

The amount you pay for a room 4 times a month might be equal to the cost of that small place. Then just get you a futon. Many [apartments] are month-to-month, and you might feel you’ll be with this man for some time, and justify a 6 to 12-month lease.