UK case narrative: Daughter’s determined pursuit of incest with dad illustrates path to consensual father-daughter incest

[This entry was initially posted to the original Red Keyhole blog on 13 March 2011.]

The exchanges below, excerpted from postings to an incest discussion forum in April 2009, and posted here for educational purposes, constitute in effect a brief case study in father-daughter incest (in the UK, between a young woman and her dad), providing insight on some of the dynamics of father-daughter sexual interaction that eventually lead to consensual incest.

Incest between close family members can originate in many forms and through many individual experiences. This case illustrates one such aggregation of circumstances. Of particular interest is the fact that the incestuous relationship is pushed by the daughter (identified here as “UK Daughter”) – she relates that she did all she could to “seduce” her father. Actually, anecdotal evidence available to Red Keyhole suggests that this situation (incest aggressively pursued by the female in the relationship) is surprisingly typical … and certainly in contradiction with the common portrayal of the females in incest (daughters, sisters, etc.) being the exploited “victims” of dominating male family members (e.g., fathers, brothers).


In contradiction of public portrayals, it’s often the daughter that takes the lead in initiating consensual father-daughter incest.

This case is especially poignant in presenting the young woman’s affirmation of her happiness in her relationship with her father, and her expression of hopes for the future:

Hopefully, one day when we are accepted as a variant of the norm and not viewed as perverts, incestuous youngsters will no longer need to be alone, but will be able to communicate with other people of their age group who feel the same way … and of course get sound and age-appropriate advice from responsible adults from our community.

Ending the isolation will enable these young people to accept themselves far more readily than I did. The process took me years, but I feel great now and proud to be who I am.

Red Keyhole trusts that, in addition to their general informational value, these excerpts will be helpful to others struggling with their desires to pursue consensual incestuous relationships with close family members. The original postings have been moderately edited for readability.

[UK Daughter]

Growing up Incestuous

I’m making this post to share my experience of growing up with my sexuality, how I came to terms with it and ultimately accepted it.

I had some inclination from puberty onwards that I was attracted to family members. At first I was more interested in incest as a concept, curious about what it would be like to fall in love with somebody closely related. At this early stage, I never told a single soul about these thoughts, but I knew that it wasn’t what society called ‘normal’.

There is a town near where I live where everyone reckons that almost everyone from there is doing their cousin or something, so of course I heard the occasional incest joke. I knew though that behind these jokes was a ‘eww, this is gross’ sort of reaction that people had to the very idea of incest, a reaction that I did not share.

Most of my friends in high school were dating other boys in our [class] year, [but] since I got bullied, it was no shocker that throughout these horrid five years I didn’t have a single boyfriend. Yet it didn’t matter – I wasn’t really all that interested in those boys. I used to think it was AWFUL how those boys used to talk about the girls in our year, as though they were sexual objects rather than people. I used to think ‘their brothers would not think of them like that’.

Then, when I was in my final year of high school I developed a really really strong crush on my dad. Any interest I’d had towards the lads at school (which as I said was very little), was totally gone.

At first I was mortified that I felt that way. I kept telling myself ‘HE’S YOUR DAD, YOU SHOULDN’T BE FEELING THIS’, but I did anyway. I’d spend every second I could with him, which at that point in time wouldn’t have seemed at all unusual, since we had always been very close.

I was conflicted, isolated and confused. Other girls my age had dilemmas, like, what dress to wear for a date, how many condoms they had left, and what make-up is best for rainy weather. I could not relate to them and could not talk to them. I was alone with these feelings that I neither understood nor wanted at that point. I remember feeling like a total freak.

Shortly after I left high school, I still felt the same way towards him … I couldn’t help myself … I just had to start flirting with him when nobody else was around.

His marriage to my mother was a complete sham … She hated him and seemingly hated everyone else in the house too.

He tried to ignore my advances at first, but then after a while we sat and talked about it. He told me his secret … he had those urges as well, and had done since he was a teenager, but he had never acted on them. It was a shock to learn that my dad had those feelings as well … but at least I was no longer alone.

For a while we switched between ignoring the subject and kissing each other when we had a moment or two alone. Part of me was thinking ‘Is this really happening, could I actually have a proper relationship with him, even if we have to keep it a secret from everyone?’ I just knew that I loved him with all my heart, but still thought that neither of us should be feeling that way.

Over the next two years we went from just kissing, to doing everything short of actually having full intercourse. I guess we were in a pretty heavy adjustment period and were taking things pretty slowly.

This relationship felt so RIGHT, but society said it was WRONG. I pondered for a long time for the answer to the dilemma … who was really right? Of course I’d heard all about how the law used to persecute homosexual and lesbian couples, and logically, I thought ‘if the law was wrong about gays, could it also be wrong about people like us?’

Then I moved away to Uni [university], and during the time I was there I was on the phone with my dad for about 3-4 hours a day. People there used to find it amusing that I’d be on the phone to him for so long, but they put it down to simple homesickness … if only they knew.

When I was in my room alone, and he was at work (at the time working as a night shift security guard), we used to discuss our relationship. I just remember one conversation so vividly … He said ‘You know, I have a feeling that next time you’re back, we will end up going the whole way.’ I said ‘I think you might be right.’

Sure enough, he was right … we finally consummated our relationship within one day of me being back home. It just felt 100% right, just perfect. Before him, I’d only ever had sex with one other guy, who I had jumped into bed with for the sake of losing my virginity.

I regretted having sex with that guy, and really really wished I’d lost my virginity to my dad. In one way though it’s a comfort that my dad was the first man I actually made love to.

Now, seven years after I decided to go all the way with my dad, I wouldn’t change who I am for anything. My relationship is just perfection in itself – we are both happy and fulfilled with each other.

On reflection, I realize how lonely I was as a high-school-age teenager, growing up with these feelings that I didn’t understand or know how to deal with. I learned as I went along.

Hopefully, one day when we are accepted as a variant of the norm and not viewed as perverts, incestuous youngsters will no longer need to be alone, but will be able to communicate with other people of their age group who feel the same way … and of course get sound and age-appropriate advice from responsible adults from our community.

Ending the isolation will enable these young people to accept themselves far more readily than I did. The process took me years, but I feel great now and proud to be who I am.

[NK]

Wow … thanks for sharing your experience.

I was wondering how you managed to strike up the conversation with your dad about having feelings for him? – I imagine it must have been quite difficult? I’ve always wondered what the best way would be to strike up a conversation like that.

Also, what “advances” did you use?

[UK Daughter]

Well, actually it wasn’t that hard to talk about. By this point I was only saying what I knew that he knew already, judging by my behaviour towards him. I was extremely flirty with him whenever we were alone … I’d always be saying he looked nice in whatever he was wearing, or I’d give him a hug and say that he smelled nice.

I noted that after I mentioned that, he wore after-shave more often, and wore whatever clothes I said he looked good in more often. It was OBVIOUS that he was making himself more appealing for me.

Basically, all of the things women usually do to seduce men, I did with him. It didn’t come as any shock when I told him my feelings; I’d already made them quite obvious without saying it directly. The subject cropped up quite naturally when we were talking in general. He was getting quite flirty with me as well, so I knew that it was now safe to talk about it without fearing that my feelings might not be returned.

By the time it came to actually consummating our relationship, that in itself was only a small step, an extension of the closeness we had already built. In my mind, we were already crossing the incest line way before it came to that point, because you have to build a very close bond with somebody before you go ahead and sleep with them.

So no, it wasn’t really difficult or awkward to talk about.

[NK]

… Well, I know it wasn’t too difficult for you, but I still admire the fact that you spoke out to him [about] how you felt. It’s great to hear stories of closeness and being comfortable in family relationships, when these days many people seem to be distancing themselves from their parents.

I certainly hope I can build up the love, trust and comfortableness you and you father share with my children in later life.

[UK Daughter]

I agree that it’s a huge shame that many people are not close to their families. I’ve known people who just don’t talk to their family members except … on birthdays or at Christmas… I’d say that that’s something that is far more weird than engaging in an incestuous relationship.

This being said, I will caution you to be careful not to accidentally influence your children into wanting a sexual bond with you when they become young women. I say this because not all stories end as happily as mine does …

Breaking a taboo as strong as the incest taboo does have its adverse effects, at least at first. There is the confusion and doubt, and the guilt at even having such feelings. Basically, they need every opportunity they can to turn out normal, so that they never need to bear the secrets that we must.

If however, the platonic kind of closeness does develop naturally into something more, then there is nothing wrong with taking the relationship to the next level. There is nothing more beautiful than this kind of love, becoming each other’s everything.

All I can advise you to do is to build a strong and healthy platonic relationship with your children so that they feel comfortable enough to talk to you about their lives, instead of keeping things from you (as most teenagers hide things from their parents). The chances are this will not eventually lead to incest, but it will lead to a happy and functional family life. The strong platonic bond and the emotional closeness is the initial basis for an incestuous relationship, but it will not necessarily create one.

[TM]

Your story is quite interesting because it does involve your family. Of course, I doubt people would really understand it. If anything, they would … think your father brainwashed you or molested you into thinking that way, but say that your love with your father is pure, and I believe it. I wonder how your father feels about your feelings about being attracted to him. It would seem strange for your own offspring to be purely attracted to you.